Sex and the City 2 – the dream is over.

"Sex and the City 2" (Michael Patrick King, 2010)

It didn’t start well. Anthony and Stanford – who always hated each other – are getting married. Why? Because they’re both gay, and the producers of the movie wanted a lavish wedding scene. To be fair, despite the unfathomable storyline, the jokes in this part of the film are pretty snappy. And it has Liza Minnelli. But it’s downhill from here until the ending 141 excruciating minutes later. The overall impression is that one draft script was written, and was given the go ahead without any rewrites.

There were always designer labels in the TV series, but the point was that Carrie was a creative dresser who mixed it in with vintage and high street. Her iconic ‘Carrie’ necklace came from a market stall. This is what people (women) loved about Carrie. As recently as the first movie, a Vivienne Westwood dress symbolically ruined Carrie’s wedding and everything was OK in the end when she wore label-less vintage. But now, she only wears designer. And so do the other ‘girls’, even Miranda who ten years ago almost always wore mannish suits. Now Miranda loves floaty numbers and Spanx.

Speaking of Miranda, what would the Miranda we know do if she faced sexual discrimination at work? She’d file a fucking lawsuit, that’s what. But not Sex and the City 2’s Miranda. She just leaves her job.

Charlotte behaves similarly out of character. The woman who always wanted nothing more than children is now Gaby Solis. Who wears vintage Valentino when their daughter is painting right next to them? A character in a poorly written script, that’s who.

Carrie is an unbearable harridan straight out of a “Take my wife. No really” joke. Only Samantha bears more than a passing resemblance to herself in the TV series.

In one of the most talked about scenes, our girls realise that Middle Eastern women are ‘just like us!’ Why was it supposed to be surprising that some Muslim women wear designer outfits under their niqabs? It's no secret that there are a some very rich people in UAE, and that Muslim women only have to cover up around men they’re not related to, is it? ‘The girls’ then have to escape some outraged men by dressing in borrowed hijab robes, like something from the summer special of a 1970s sitcom.
The tension in this finale comes from the possibility of missing their flight. Because if they miss this particular flight, they might have to fly coach. Seriously, the writers thought viewers would be swept up in this and not just be offended. What happened to the Carrie and Samantha of the TV series who travelled cross-country on a train with bedrooms the size of a tin-can? When Carrie hails a cab in the manner of Claudette Colbert in It Happened One Night, it just reminds you how awful this film is compared to that classic.

This film is like a satire of what the haters said Sex and City was. There was always love for shoes and clothes, but I always argued it wasn’t materialistic. As soon as ‘the girls’ touched down in Abu Dhabi I had to eat my words. Critics said that Sex and the City was watered-down feminism; I defended it. But then the girls sing “I am Woman” in a karaoke bar, in one the cheesiest scenes I have ever, ever witnessed and I had to concede – any feminism that’s left is watered down to homeopathic proportions. It was like the Loose Women christmas party.

As the credits rolled, I couldn’t help but wonder.... why did I sit through the whole thing?